Why I gave up chocolate for Lent 2016.

For those who don't know, we are currently in the midst of lent. A Christian time of fasting and remembering the time in which Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights (Sunday's are not included, however you are still supposed to fast these days too). Easter begins on Good Friday which is a week today, it is one of my favourite times of the Christian calendar as it feels like a time for new beginnings and new life. 

This year on pancake day, I said to Tim I wanted to give up chocolate for lent, he chuckled at the thought and continued making his mountain of pancakes. 

It's only since adulthood that I've really become obsessed with chocolate. I remember when I was little I'd get about 10 Easter eggs and they'd still be around come Christmas. I realised since Christmas I had began to rely heavily on a chocolate fix each day. If I didn't have it I would get headaches. Particularly so when I was at college. 

I felt I had to do this not only to break the habit and the addiction, but also because I wanted to strengthen my relationship with God. 

Regardless of what you believe religion wise I've always believed in God and a higher being. I've regularly been criticised for this. But it is my belief and I solely stick by it. 

Surprisingly I'd never given up something for lent before. However this year I was determined too. I had so much self doubt in the first week, along with headaches I was having dreams about chocolate. As strange as this may sound I felt that I was being tested. 

I'm not actually going to eat any chocolate until Easter Sunday when Jesus has risen again. Although I'm looking forward to it. I'm also quite proud that I have made it so far with only a week to go. When it was only a month ago I was thinking 'I'll never make it'. It's amazing what your belief in God, and yourself can do. 

Did you give anything up for Easter? 

Thanks for reading 

Hannah xo 

The Phenomenon of nobody knowing.

The phenomenon of nobody knowing. 

On my friend Karen's blog yesterday (http://www.liverpoollashes.co.uk/?m=1) -she's fab head on over she's lost 3 st and I'm immensely proud. I read in her post about the struggle of craving bad things and thinking to yourself if you have it nobody would know. So that's what today's post is about. That feeling. And the willpower that is needed to get over it. 

If you've ever been over weight and 'dieted' or tried to change your lifestyle you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't I'll give you a little run down. 

Picture this. you're home alone feeling bored and every other emotion under the sun, everything/everyone on the television, social media etc, seems to be discussing food and you being the fat person you are at heart start thinking about all this food and the cravings begin to make you feel like if you don't eat the world could possibly end. You look in the cupboard/fridge/freezer and think to yourself 'nobody would know if I just had a bit of this, or a bit of that'. If you give in the next thing you know is you're nose deep in absolute gluttony. You the hide all evidence from family and partners and that's that. However afterward comes this sickly horrible feeling of regret and you have only yourself to blame; you're feeling all the emotions and telling yourself 'tomorrow is a new day'. 

It's a battle that is never ending if you have had or do have a bad relationship with food. So what do you do when this phenomenon of nobody knowing rears its ugly head? 

Firstly you need to remind yourself that this journey is for you. The only person you're cheating is you. You don't want to gain weight or remain that same girl who once ate a 24 multipack packet of crisps in a day, you want to be the best healthiest most fantastic version of you that you possibly can be. That end goal and vision is something I remind myself of daily, telling myself that I can no longer be that unhealthy girl with health problems. 

One of the best solutions is, do not buy the food you crave in the first place, and never go to the supermarket when you're feeling emotional or hungry because you're more likely to give in to your demons. Also get yourself out of the house walk, run even skip, get some fresh air, readjust yourself and take control. Ensure that you're drinking plenty as well, whenever I'm dehydrated I get really hungry and this is because sometimes your body struggles to distinguish hunger and thirst, and if you're still hungry then choose something healthy, fruit, nuts, whole grains, yoghurts the healthy food world is your oyster. 

Finally remember that yes. Nobody will no if you nose bag the whole fridge, nobody will know except you. The one person you are going through all this for and you're going to cheat her? Set her back? Make her feel worthless? You need to tell yourself 'no not today'. 

I hope you enjoyed this post. 

Hannah xx

A little update.

Hi everyone. I know I'm always promising more regular updates on here but sometimes I struggle to find the time and the words to put together a blog post. 

So here I am, only four months on from my last post!! 

As you'll know I've been on a journey to better myself both physically and mentally since my 21st birthday, and to date I've lost 43lbs (3st 1lb) in weight, which I'm really quite chuffed about. Below is my comparison pictures so far! 

It's hard to believe how far I've come in 10 months, and hard for me personally to really grasp how much my body has changed. 

This journey has been to me both physical and mental, and I've truly had to face some of my inner demons head on. I have always been a comfort eater and I'd be lying if I didn't say I still have days where I think 'f*ck it, I'll just be fat'. 

I'm still struggling to see that the person I see in the mirror is over 3 stone lighter from that person 10 months ago. I think this is going to be a more long term issue than I had planned. 

Mentally I feel much more well than I have done in a while, I'm sleeping a little better, and having less panic attacks. I'm trying to find a happy medium between doing things for others and doing things for myself. I do plan to do a more substantial post about my anxiety and depression but it needs a lot of thinking over before I send it out into the World Wide Web. 

Although I still have a way to go I'm feeling positive that everything I set out to  do last October so far has gone to plan; ive still got some way to go and would like to lose a few more lbs before my 22nd birthday, but right now I'm feeling anything is possible. 

Hope everyone is well 

Hannah  xx

10 things I would tell my younger self.

10 things I'd tell my younger self. 

     Me aged 14 at secondary school. 

1) Spend as much time as you can with family. Pretty self explanatory, but during my teens I avoided this a lot. It's one of my biggest regrets. Time is of the essence and it's time you won't get back. Enjoy your family while you can.

2) Stop being so god damn moody! I've always been a bit of an 'angry Anderson' as mum would call me. But I wish I'd spent more time enjoying some of the amazing experiences I've had rather than being a moody little rat bag. 

3) It's ok to be anxious, but don't let it rule your life. Too much of my life has been wasted because I've let anxiety overrule doing something. I've come to the conclusion of if you're with the right people they won't care if you have a panic attack and be sick. They'll probably just laugh and get over it. And you will too. 

4) Stay away from lambrini... Cracking your tooth and splitting your lip open will be one of your worst teenaged memories. And the boy you were trying to impress doing so will tell you he thinks your a prat and never speak to you again.

5) Alevels are not the be all and end all. You'll do shit. You'll get over it. 

6) It's ok to enjoy reading, science, poetry and history. You'll be a font of random facts when you're older and who cares what other people think anyway? Bringing me to number...

7) Don't give a shit about what people think about you. You're just like marmite and the people who care about you wouldn't have you any other way. Annoying as you might be. 

8) You'll never understand boys. And that is normal. They don't understand you either. 

9) Don't tell somebody you love them when you don't. It makes things awkward and a lot more serious than you'd actually really care for. 

10) You will be called fat more times than you're own name (ok maybe an exaggeration) and yes you will have a weight problem, it's all part of this thing called becoming an adult. You make bad food choices. One day it will click and things will change. And everyone who called you fat can take a big fat middle finger and a f*ck you.

Finally, you'll turn out a relatively average human. So don't worry. Enjoy the present. 

I have nothing to wear...

Long time no blogging... I admit I really have had no interest in writing on my blog for a while. So I thought it was about time I sat my bum down and wrote a post.

If you follow me on instagram you'll probably be somewhat aware of the fact as of recent months I have lost a substantial amount of weight, in the past I have written posts about my weight journey and you can read that HERE. My weight has forever been a huge issue for me, and the labels 'fat' have been a badge I've carried along with it.

I noticed towards the end of last August my weight was beginning to rapidly increase (again), I'd stopped listening to my hypnotherapy regularly and I was generally in a pretty weird place in terms of my self confidence being relatively newly single, and living 30 miles away from the town I grew up in. With my 21st fast approaching I realised I could not let myself get back to the 15st 4lb heffalump I had previously been. Before my birthday I had lost a little weight but nothing substantial, and after the celebrating was over I made a commitment to myself that I would lose the weight and (hopefully) this time keep it off. A few stern words from my nurse also got my bum kicked into gear.

I became really strict with my hypnotherapy, and also began doing the 5:2 diet alongside it. As for 5:2 I won't go into the ins and outs of it in this post. However I would definitely recommend it to anybody who is quite a fussy or picky eater as it doesn't make you eat certain food groups you normally wouldn't nor restrict you from having a treat now and then.

So here I am 31lbs lighter. I started out at 14st 11lbs, and now I'm 12st 8lbs, with around another stone or so to lose before I reach the target that myself and the nurse discussed would be a much healthier weight for me. Although I'm ecstatic with my weight loss, I have noticed one thing, much to my surprise that I have not grown more confident in my body however much more self conscious. A lot of it stems from my general all round anxiety but also that I have absolutely not the foggiest what suits my new body shape. Every day I find myself staring into the abyss of my wardrobe and thinking 'What the fuck am I going to wear', not being aided by the fact that I have one pair of jeans that fit me and at the moment I've been living in jeans and long sleeve tops because they're the only things I don't feel like Shamu in. I realise this is very much mind over matter and some people will read this thinking #firstworldproblems, but I wondered if anybody else had experienced the same type of thing. I realise my body is not the 15 stone blob it used to be, but it is very difficult to begin to love yourself and let anybody else love your body when you've struggled to even look in the mirror at it for the past few years. Anyway enough of the rambles.

Hopefully it won't be so long until my next post! But until then thanks for reading!

Hannah -ox 

The other 'f' word.

Hello tiddly peeps! I realise it's been some time since I wrote on my humble little blog! 

Today's post is different to my beauty posts it's about that other 'f' word, it's something I feel that as of recent had plagued my life. 

If you haven't already read my weight journey post, then you won't know that weight is something I've always struggled with. I get stressed I eat I put on weight. Simple. 

Now the real reason I'm posting this is after witnessing a conversation in Sainsbury's the other day, where a girl of around 12/13 told her mum she was fat. (Baring in mind I've seen more fat on a pork chop). I was utterly stunned when her mum then turned to her and said 'well I've been telling you you need to go on a diet for months.' Right then and there I think my heart broke, knowing how it feels to be that young and be so unhappy about yourself. 

I've come to the conclusion that there seems to be two types of women in this world, those who celebrate femininity whether your petite or of the more voluptuous variety. 

And those who feel it is adequate to pick apart others because they don't fit in 'perfectly'.  Don't be this woman. 

I've come to the decision from now on that whenever I even think something negative about another person I will give myself a good talking to and try to recognise the real beauty in them. 

This post is dedicated to all girls who have ever felt insecure about their appearance. 

You are not a weight on a scale, a picture on Instagram, you are not the comments you receive good or bad. You are a beautiful creation, you are your mind and your charm and wit. 

Don't ever put yourself down. Own your body because it's the only one you'll ever have. If you want to change something do it only for yourself. 

Don't think that because you're not societies ideology of 'perfect' you're not allowed to love and be loved. Let me tell you any man who judges you solely on what junks in your trunk needs driving off the edge of a cliff. 

That's it then. Let's ban the other 'f' word and celebrate ourselves for the beautiful people we are. 

Finally if you read this post and still have the audacity to call a sister fat. Then your an absolute fucking idiot. Yes that's the real 'f' word right there. 

Hannah-ox 

Laid back Sunday.

Generally my weekends are never really 'relaxing' I'm either working or travelling to my boyfriends. 

This Sunday it was really good to just have a nice day with my mum! 

When I got home from work we ate breakfast, I had a sleep and we decided to go for late lunch/early tea in York. 

Outfit: Fisherman's Jumper- Primark, Skinny Jeans - Asos, Coat - Wallis, Vintage Riding Boots, Louis Speedy. 

This is pretty much a go to outfit for me, I like to be comfortable and I pretty much live in skinny jeans! 

In York we ate at one of my favourite restaurants Biltmore Bar and Grill. -We actually had my sixth form dinner here too!

Mum had to get a snap of me with a glass of wine as it is a very rare occasion when I have a drink! I'm such an old lady - haha!

 To start I had Mussels, let me tell you these are the best muscles I have ever had! They were absolutely gorgeous and really meaty! A definite must try for anyone visiting!

For my main I had my all time favourite, Thai red curry with monk fish and prawns this is gorgeous and has a really clean heat which I love! 

If you're in the York area you must try The Biltmore! You won't regret it!

Hope you enjoyed this different post today! 

Hannah -ox